Monday, February 9, 2015

Satan Is Really Getting on my Nerves

Hey Y'all,

So This week has been very intense!!! I was sick and also very discouraged. It didn't help that i had interviews with President Bernhisel and didn't feel well enough prepared. I don't think it went very well. I talked to fast and he keep asking if anything was bothering me and i keep saying i was fine! I wan't fine i have allowed Satan to take me and use my thoughts to discourage my progress.

My week started with my cold kicking into high gear and it was probably caused by stress. My companion didn't know how to help me and she was getting better. We didn't really have the best success our lesson this week didn't go as well or as planned. Our other Investigators are keeping commitments and i am allowing my failure this week get the best of me. I am ready to kick Satan in the face and tell him to back off. I have found myself praying harder and harder and reading and pondering more trying to get myself back to where i want to be. I have been to embarrassed to ask for help from my companion and finally she wouldn't take my answer as to that "I am Fine." I read an article this week from Elder Bednar which is required to read for my training. He talks about that we as a missionary have to understand that serve and represent Jesus Christ, need to be worth, treasure up the words of eternal life, understand that the Holy Ghost is the ultimate and true teacher, and that teaching is much more than just talking and telling. Can you guess what i thought of when i read this talk. I said to myself- Am i really worthy to be here? Am i being a burden on the people i teach and not helping feel of the Holy Ghost? Do i really have what it takes to be a missionary? Am I improving and why can't i teach like Sister Behrmann? Oh my gosh now i can see how stupid i am in thinking this and questioning myself! I have the best companion ever and she has helped me answer my doubting questions. I have been able to have great experience the same day that i have felt this terrible saddening feelings.

I have really seen what the Atonement has done for me! I know that i am not perfect and that i will never be perfect in this life or the next if i don't allow myself to learn from this experience and any experience. Who says i'm not a teacher or ever going to be a teacher like Sister Behrmann or other missionaries. I'm only in TRAINING i'n training to be a good missionary and to make the mistakes now. I am not allowing Christ sacrifice to able me to understand the bigger picture. Yesterday, we had our investigator at church and have a lesson with another and now. They are starting to progress and i am not helping them by being discouraged and blocking the spirit to be present when i am being negative. I have had great experience and i am improving everyday even if i don't see. My companion has told me i am. I am understanding things more and i am learning to teach simply.

Boberry Bisquit from Bojangles
the food of the south!!!
I have had small moments this week where everything that has been hard as been later been a slap in the face and where i have been able to kick Satan in the face. I have been able to have experiences that make my short comings not matter because i can see that i am helping those i come in contact with. Just when i had that feeling of not being worthy we met a lady who is has been inactive and wants to come back but doesn't feel worthy because of her past sins. I was not able to fully help her because i had not before allowed the spirit to be their because i was not prepared to allow it to be present. But once i started to cry with her and feel the same sadness she had been feeling i was able to help her know that God sent us to her and we are going to help her know that God is going to love her no matter what. The spirit was so strong and i know she felt it. We are seeing her again on Wednesday and she asked to come back.

This entire week i have had this same kind of experiences When i was having doubt i read my Patriarchal Blessing, letters from home and a written letter from Mekena and Kory. I read and read the scriptures and found perfect ones to how i was feeling i had opportunities to serve members of the ward.

Y'all this week i have come closer to the real meaning of the Atonement. This weeks doubts and questioning won't be the last and i might have different struggles but i know that since someone loved me enough to die for me i can be blessed with comfort and trusted to help others. I have met people who have given knowledge of things i have never thought of and i know that i will have many more. I promise all that you can feel of that love i felt this week if you simply have the faith that God is going to help and guide you. We are his children and he loves us. I hope your week is great and with many tender mercies! Till next Monday! Love you all! :)


Sister Tayler Farr

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